I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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