did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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