Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
