Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize