3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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