I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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