Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
