I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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