youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
