In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
