I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
