Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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