final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
