I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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