I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
