just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
