My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
