I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
