my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize