I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
