I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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