she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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