Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
