he puts the penis in happiness.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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