Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
