I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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