We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
