someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
