So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
