Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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