Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
whose parrot is this?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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