I wish I could teleport
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
