oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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