Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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