i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
we're so committed to being not committed
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
