Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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