I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
FUCK WHALES
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
