sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize