So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
