Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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