fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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