A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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