I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
