I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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