Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
