When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
