either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
