what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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