well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
