i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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