Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
