did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
