Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
