just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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