It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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