so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
