sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
