you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize