At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
