I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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