you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
